4 Steps for Building Frustration Tolerance
Frustration tolerance—or the lack of it—is a topic that comes up constantly in my work with schools. What is it? Why does it seem harder for kids today? And most importantly: how can we help students build this skill?
What is frustration tolerance?
Exactly what it sounds like: the ability to tolerate frustration. In schools today, I frequently hear that many students are lacking this critical skill. A child tries to tie their shoe once, fails, and hurls it across the room. A student gets stuck on a math problem, crumples their paper, and yells, “I can’t do it!” These are signs of low frustration tolerance.
Why are kids struggling with this now?
Partly because they’re growing up in a world of convenience. As a social worker, I often think about how much the times we live in shape us. Kids today are raised in an on-demand culture, but often by adults who grew up with more waiting, fewer options, and fewer distractions.
Think back to how entertainment was different. Remember Saturday morning cartoons? A few hours a week of content that was made for kids. And if your favorite show ended on a cliffhanger, you had to wait a week to see what happened next. During that wait, your need to know dulled and might built again if you saw a commercial or had some reminder, but the gap between wanting and getting built tolerance for frustration. Today’s kids can binge entire seasons instantly and have 24/7 access to endless content. This is just one example of how modern convenience has crowded out opportunities for kids to practice patience and persistence.
So how do we help kids build frustration tolerance?
We can be intentional. Here are four simple steps to practice in everyday interactions:
Set the expectation: Frustration is part of life. It’s normal and it will show up sometimes.
Practice compassion: When a student is struggling, use validating language: “You didn’t want that to happen.” or “This feels tough, I understand.”
Share belief in capacity: Remember the power of YET: “You don’t know how to tie your shoes yet, but I know you’ll get it if you keep trying.”
Move on: Validating feelings doesn’t mean we spend all day sitting in them. Try: “I’m going to check in with another student. Keep trying—I believe in you!”
Most new things are hard before they’re easy. By naming the struggle, meeting it with compassion, expressing belief in kids’ abilities, and then stepping back, we model frustration tolerance in action.
Want to learn more? I’ll be doing a deep dive into strategies for building frustration tolerance in my upcoming workshop: From Anxious to Adaptable: Strengthening Frustration Tolerance Through Connection. Visit my Events Page to sign up or reach out on my Contact Page to schedule a free consultation call for your district.
More is caught than taught
In my doctoral program, my cohort had the opportunity to learn from the author of my graduate school social work practice textbook - Dr. Lawrence Shulman. It was an amazing experience, and so much of what he taught that weekend has informed my practice as a social work and professional development educator. In class he shared that “more is caught than taught,” and this phrase has stayed with me. I took it to mean that how we behave on a regular basis is more important and influential for our students than the words we speak or the lessons we try to impart. I shared this in a professional development session with a wonderful group of teachers last week, and it resonated. How we are with others gives them a blueprint for how they should be with us—as educators, when we approach students in a calm, emotionally regulated, respectful, and compassionate way our students feel cared for, safe, and respected.
One way to operationalize this idea in school settings is through the use of daily SEL practices. The workshop I referenced earlier, titled Small Things Often: Sustainable SEL Practices, focused on several activities that can be utilized on a regular basis and are easy to bake into the structure of any lesson. We covered strategies that build relationships and belonging, emotional regulation and frustration tolerance. After the workshop, a teacher came over to share how the frustration tolerance strategies are exciting to her as a math teacher, as she has observed her students being quick to give up when faced with challenging problems.
I structure my professional development sessions with SEL to model how these practices can be integrated and my favorite tool for this is CASEL’s 3 Signature Practices Playbook. This free resource provides several activities that can be utilized to begin each class with an inclusive welcome, incorporate engaging strategies throughout the lesson, and an optimistic closure. I use the playbook activities throughout my professional development sessions and share what I am doing, often providing time for educators to reflect on the activities and consider if/how they could utilize them in their classrooms.
The beauty of SEL practices is that they don’t require huge shifts—just small, intentional moments that over time build strong relationships and classrooms where students are able to take risks and build skills. What do you want your students to “catch” from you this year?
Professional Learning Network Sessions: Social Emotional Learning/Mental Health
Do you lead or support SEL and Mental Health initiatives in your school district? If so, and if you find this work challenging, you’re not alone. I often think that if something feels hard, that’s probably because it is hard—and a supportive network along with resources can make our challenging tasks a little easier.
As the 2024-2025 school year gets underway, I’m looking forward to another great year with the Social Emotional Learning Professional Learning Network group! This group meets for a 3-session series, during which NYSED SEL updates and resources are shared, and participants have the opportunity to connect and network with one another. The series (geared towards school social workers, psychologists, counselors, administrators, and teachers) will feature lively discussions in a supportive environment, as well as meaningful activities and actionable strategies that can be utilized in your schools to support and grow your Social Emotional Learning initiatives and support student mental health and school-community wellbeing.
Dates: 10-30-24; 1-7-25*; 4-2-25
Time: 8:30am-11:30am
Place: Eastern Suffolk BOCES Instructional Support Center @ Sequoya (* January meeting will be virtual via Zoom)
Cost for Subscribers: $199/series; Cost for Non-Subscribers: $249/series
Register today at: http://webreg.esboces.org
Engage. Reflect. Grow. These three words drive every learning experience I design.
Engage – expect discussion, activity, and movement in my workshops. Time will be spent working with the material, critically engaging to support participants in considering how—and if—the concepts we are covering apply to your work with students and staff.
Reflect – self-reflection is an essential skill, so the opportunity to build this skill is part of every learning experience I facilitate. The depth of your reflection is up to you, but know that prompts and modeling will be provided. Deep reflection helps us “make better mistakes,” a concept I learned from legendary social work professor Dr. Larry Shulman. I think about this often, as our mistakes can help us grow more than any other learning experience, if we let them.
Grow – adopting a growth mindset and commitment to lifelong learning is a practice. The material we will cover in any given workshop is a starting point, and an invitation to make it your own through continual exploration. Towards the conclusion of each workshop, recommendations for further learning, ways to support your ongoing growth, and how to share what you are learning with your colleagues will be provided. The goal is to plant seeds that will be nurtured over time to support your ongoing growth.
If your staff could benefit from training and development around Social Emotional Learning, Challenging Behaviors, Supporting Student Mental Health, Educator Self-Care, or other related topics, I encourage you to contact me so we can get started with a complimentary meeting to see how and if I can support your staff professional development needs.