4 Steps for Building Frustration Tolerance
Frustration tolerance—or the lack of it—is a topic that comes up constantly in my work with schools. What is it? Why does it seem harder for kids today? And most importantly: how can we help students build this skill?
What is frustration tolerance?
Exactly what it sounds like: the ability to tolerate frustration. In schools today, I frequently hear that many students are lacking this critical skill. A child tries to tie their shoe once, fails, and hurls it across the room. A student gets stuck on a math problem, crumples their paper, and yells, “I can’t do it!” These are signs of low frustration tolerance.
Why are kids struggling with this now?
Partly because they’re growing up in a world of convenience. As a social worker, I often think about how much the times we live in shape us. Kids today are raised in an on-demand culture, but often by adults who grew up with more waiting, fewer options, and fewer distractions.
Think back to how entertainment was different. Remember Saturday morning cartoons? A few hours a week of content that was made for kids. And if your favorite show ended on a cliffhanger, you had to wait a week to see what happened next. During that wait, your need to know dulled and might built again if you saw a commercial or had some reminder, but the gap between wanting and getting built tolerance for frustration. Today’s kids can binge entire seasons instantly and have 24/7 access to endless content. This is just one example of how modern convenience has crowded out opportunities for kids to practice patience and persistence.
So how do we help kids build frustration tolerance?
We can be intentional. Here are four simple steps to practice in everyday interactions:
Set the expectation: Frustration is part of life. It’s normal and it will show up sometimes.
Practice compassion: When a student is struggling, use validating language: “You didn’t want that to happen.” or “This feels tough, I understand.”
Share belief in capacity: Remember the power of YET: “You don’t know how to tie your shoes yet, but I know you’ll get it if you keep trying.”
Move on: Validating feelings doesn’t mean we spend all day sitting in them. Try: “I’m going to check in with another student. Keep trying—I believe in you!”
Most new things are hard before they’re easy. By naming the struggle, meeting it with compassion, expressing belief in kids’ abilities, and then stepping back, we model frustration tolerance in action.
Want to learn more? I’ll be doing a deep dive into strategies for building frustration tolerance in my upcoming workshop: From Anxious to Adaptable: Strengthening Frustration Tolerance Through Connection. Visit my Events Page to sign up or reach out on my Contact Page to schedule a free consultation call for your district.
